The vulnerability within information, and why we will be hurt by the ones we love

‘Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.’ — Brene Brown, The Atlas of the Heart

I think most of us are familiar with the vulnerability associated with what I share (or what you otherwise observe or learn) about myself.

But there is a second kind, which isn’t usually labeled as vulnerability, and that is the uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure I experience associated with what you share about yourself.

This second kind of vulnerability is a cornerstone of intimacy and attachment, and I would argue that it is the more dangerous and potentially volatile form of vulnerability because it is something we have much less personal control over. I think most of us are at least familiar with the concept of choosing a level of personal exposure that matches our feelings of safety and mutuality. But I personally have never thought about what it looks like to give guidance about how to communicate information with me in a way that honors my vulnerability.

The way this kind of vulnerability shows up for me is when someone I am intimate with communicates with me and I feel strong emotions associated with uncertainty about our relationship, fear about change and the implications of change, disconnection and confusion, or maybe just being caught up in other unrelated emotions that are now being amplified. Emotional intimacy with another person is partly characterized by giving them a direct route to all these messy emotional pathways. And it is for this reason that the people we are the closest to are the ones that will hurt us the most, and the ones who will probably see us at our most… let’s say emotionally imperfect (and vice versa).

I understand internally that some of my emotions are actually about what is happening right now, some of my emotions are about past pain and trauma, and some of my emotions are about my lizard brain responding to threat. When I am alone, I can learn to work with these emotional responses and control what I expose myself to, so that ideally I am working with the emotions in ways that are productive and not overwhelming. But throw another person into the mix? First, my attachment system is now a wild card I didn’t have to deal with when I was alone, and second, well, I obviously am not controlling what they say or do, so hold onto your butts.

If you are like me, and struggle with the belief that your less than perfect emotional responses in intimacy are a sign of weakness, I would just like to point out that we are all complicated below the surface, vulnerability is not weakness, and this is the nature of intimacy. Rather than trying to be someone who never experiences strong, difficult emotions with the people you love, try making the assumption that exposing these strong emotions is part of the point of intimacy, and to the best of your ability, find a way to receive them with your loved ones in a way that allows you to work with them productively.

What does it mean to ‘find a way to receive them’? I think a lot of the time, the implied solution is that the receiver just needs to get their shit together. I personally have not found a way to get this to work, and when it fails, wow can it fail in spectacularly damaging ways. So my next question is, what does it look like to set expectations and boundaries around how other people communicate with me, that honors an intention towards productive vulnerability? I have not done this very much in the past because I think on the surface it feels controlling, however I don’t think it actually is, rather it is a way to teach people how to be kind to me. But I also think it’s important to honor the imperfections in human communication, so I want to explore ways to do this that are gentle and do not set unreasonable expectations or consequences.

I think there are a few pieces to this. 1) What kinds of communication are likely to make me feel vulnerable? 2) What kinds of environments and contexts make me feel particularly unsafe? 3) What kinds of environments and contexts make me feel safer? 4) What is a comfortable time lag between experiencing different kinds of vulnerabilities, and being able to work them out in a safe context and environment?

So, here is an example for me:

1. I will probably feel vulnerable if my partner is intimate with someone new, or intimate in a new way.
2. If my partner gives me this information under a circumstance where my messy emotions could have negative consequences for other people (e.g. at a party), or where my partner does not have the capacity to hold space for my messy emotions (e.g. in the middle of the work day), then this will feel particularly unsafe. Under these circumstances, I may feel both unsafe and isolated on top of the initial reactions.
3. If I am alone with my partner, in a familiar or comforting environment, with several hours available, I will feel much safer when I receive the information.
4. I can delay my need for space and processing of my emotions for a few days, but more than that may amplify feelings of disconnection.

A quick note on boundaries vs. expectations. I think of expectations as something I am asking you to do, and boundaries as something I will do if those expectations aren’t met. I think they are both important in this case.

So with the example above, I might ask: “If you explore a new intimacy with someone, can you, in order of preference 1) communicate with me about your intentions beforehand, 2) if it is spontaneous, wait to communicate this with me until when we have a safe space and time for me to feel my messy emotions? Or 3) If for some reason it doesn’t make sense to wait, can you be sure that we have some free time scheduled together within a couple of days?” I might then also set an internal boundary that if this expectation is repeatedly not met, that I will re-evaluate the level of intimacy I am comfortable with.

What I have described above is actually a fairly normal conversation, especially in polyamory, because we can trip these messy emotions fairly often. But I think I have some toxic beliefs that these negotiations can and should be minimized or avoided. So I am finding it useful to think about these conversations instead as necessary negotiations around mutual kindness and care, with the objective of healthy and safe vulnerability. Intimacy will increase our exposure to deep hurt, but the gift on the other side, if we do it right, is an opportunity for healing.